What may have happened during our childhood that made us develop a trauma?
We may have felt the need to keep an eye on our caregivers’ beahviour, to judge them and their mood so to find ways to feel safe, and this transformed into an ability to be very sensitive about people’s emotions, to the point of being an empath too. We grew up being caring towards others, validating them often, listening to them and trying to protect them from what we’ve been experiencing first hand.
We may have had to live in survival for long and that messed up a little with our memory: it can still affect us nowadays. We may have problems in expressing ourselves and/or learning/remembering stuff (sometimes our memories can get a little twisted from reality because of this shock too).
We may have been punished or yelled at for small mistakes when we were little and now tend to overreact even to little things. We may be seeking for perfectionism. We may also try to always explain us constantly in fear of being misunderstood or to “save” ourselves from easy and wrong judgement, even when it’s not really the case.
We may have been grown up with parents/caregivers carrying anger and/or control issues, and still be triggered/scared when dealing with conflicts or someone’s anger. We may be trying to keep a quiet and warm environment, even at the cost of taking the blame for something we haven’t done or surrendering even if we know we’re right (some though may need to actually go full force in and take over the other person so to change what has been).
We may have problems being vulnerable, having low self confidence cause of past gaslighting. We feel lonely, lacking trust in others, and having an hard time forming good relationships with others: we easily feel exhausted, judged, and unable to be vulnerable, fearing to scare everyone away and ending up alone once again after having lived an illusion (which would break us even more).
We may be trying to relive our trauma both in order to understand + heal and to feel safe (we are in a “known” place, where the unknown can’t happen). It can also happen unconsciously through nightmares and sleep paralysis: these may tell us to keep an eye on what’s going on on the outside and at the same time trigger our feelings of unsafety, powerlessness and vulnerability (and other fears too).
We need to try to remind ourselves that is okay to feel these emotions. But that now we’re safe and know what is all about, we need to take care of us, even through the help of a therapist/professional. Let’s just be kind and forgiving with ourselves for not knowing back then while we’re healing, learning and working on us.
one time i went to see my grandma in the hospital when she was just waking up from surgery and the first thing she said (really feebly) was “neil… what does… your shirt say” and i had to say “skate and destroy” in front of the nurse and my whole family
(via teenagerposts)
